I want to be one, I really do. I, of course, believe in equality of the sexes; equal pay, equal rights, equal opportunities, equal respect. That is not necessarily what I am referring to in my post title. I am forewarning you, this may be a negative post, but heartbreak after heartbreak will do that to a person.
I read these articles about powerful women in Hollywood who are feminists. They talk about how women treat each other, how we are here to build each other up. To support each other, be there for one another through good times and bad. I just don’t see that. I am appalled on a daily basis by the way females treat each other. I’m always inspired after reading the articles about, and interviews with, women such as Kerry Washington, Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon- to name just a few. They all have the right idea. But I can’t help but wonder if they actually witness this strong feminine companionship first hand, or if they are just wishing like I do. Maybe life in Hollywood truly is different. But down here on the ground- women do not support each other. They do not build each other up, they tear each other down at all costs.
Women cause body image issues. I have incredibly low self esteem. I was that girl that as a teen all the way through young adulthood, you know the one- cute boobs, hard abs, healthy skin… that was then, this is now. I not only gave birth to two kids, but I was very sick (Hyperemesis) throughout both pregnancies, so my metabolism got all screwed up. I lost almost 50 pounds during pregnancy, gave birth, and put my skinny jeans on with a belt to hold them up. Then , I ate a sandwich and I gained 100 pounds. Thing is, I am still not obese, but I am bigger than I would like to be. Plus, I am getting older. Stress does a number on my skin on a weekly basis… I think you get the point. Every magazine and morning show host will tell me to love my body and that I am beautiful- but real women in real life?? Not so much. I can honestly say that not a day goes by (unless I stay buried in my house, alone, like I wish I could always do) without a fellow female commenting on my weight. Or my hair. Or my skin. Sometimes they try to say something nice, like how women my size can look good too. Sometimes they throw themselves in on it: “Women like us who like to eat and are fat….” So, it may not always be intentionally evil, but either way- attention is brought to my weight/looks every single day. Why? Why does it matter that much to other girls what I weigh or look like? Get over it! Stop claiming that men focus too much on how we look, when it is actually us that apparently care too much about our appearances. I rarely hear a man say anything about my weight. Sure there is an ass hole here and there- but the odds are far less. Guys do say things, but it comes from other women far more often. And I can’t help but wonder, if we would stop putting so much focus on our looks, maybe men would follow suit. We may never know…
I will always have a very hard time telling my daughter that her weight doesn’t matter and that its not all about looks. Is that even true? I lied about Santa, that’s bad enough. But she is going to be a teenager soon. Of course, I will always love her the same whether she becomes a Supermodel or is the next subject on “My 600 Lb Life”. And she will always be able to find a man- the majority of real men tend to appreciate the female body no matter what. And she won’t have to worry about the “other” men that put her down or only care about her body and not her sparkling personality, because I will have killed them the second their truth showed through. But you know what she will have to worry about? Women. When she walks into a room full of people, who will be judging her based on her size, her breasts, her clothes, her makeup, and her hair? Women. Immediately. And they will treat her accordingly. Unfortunately she can have all of the above perfectly in place, and they still will treat her like shit out of jealousy. It’s a lose- lose situation amongst girls. Not to mention, her life will be harder if she doesn’t grow to be what this world considers “attractive”. She will have to work 5 times as hard for what other girls will have just handed to them. She will have to be smart (she will be anyway, but that’s not the point). She will do the same job, maybe even better than the other girls, and make less money. I am speaking from experience. All of this will be a moot point, as I am confident my daughter is one of the pretty ones… but I’d still like her to be aware of how it is so that she isn’t one of “those” pretty girls…
I know girls that preach about feminism, and then turn around and slut shame me because I have nice breasts. Isn’t that a little counterproductive? I had a girl angrily message me earlier this week that I look like a hooker because I have cleavage. (she didn’t put it as kindly, but I’ll keep this blog post somewhat decent). She told me if I don’t want there to be rumors of me sleeping around, then I need to cover up. How does that even make sense? When did breasts become such horrible things? They used to be a symbol of beauty and femininity. Now, fellow women are appalled by them. They represent vulgarity and a negative sexuality (because for some reason any sexuality in a female is considered negative???). I have even been told by a friend that if I want girls to like me I need to start wearing shirts that go all the way up to my neck. That is really sad. That’s all I can say about that.
Now, some words regarding gossip. Gossip is perhaps the hardest thing for me to tolerate when it comes to how women treat each other. There is no trust. Two girls that are the best of friends will talk bad behind each other’s backs. It drives me crazy! Then those two girls will talk together about the other girl. Often about things that aren’t even true. Just gossip. And bashing. So much hatred even when they “love” each other. And again- there is no trust. You cannot tell a female something without it being repeated. Even after she swears up and down she will never repeat it. We all need to be able to open up and talk to someone, so why do women do this to each other? And they search for the opportunity to do this, even if there is not something solid to run and tell. As the one girl goes on and on spilling her heart out, it’s almost as if the recipient is thinking “Oh my god I can’t believe she just said that, I can’t wait to tell someone, there has to be someone I can tell, maybe I can go to the bathroom and call Kathy, haha I can’t wait to tell her, I mean there has to be some way for me to use this information against her, there has to be, this is excellent, I mean…all she said is that she really likes Italian food but there HAS to be SOMEWAY for me to turn this into juicy gossip…” all while telling the girl “Oh, honey…I am here for you. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, I love you…”. Bullshit. And by the way- if your girlfriend keeps repeating to you things others trusted her with, and trash talks about them to you… you can bet your ass she treats you with the same amount of love and respect the second you walk out of the room.
What good does fighting for equality do us when we continue to treat each other like garbage? To be a true feminist, it seems we really need to start with some ground work. Imagine how much more of a wave we could make on real issues if we were truly a united sex? Even on a smaller scale- imagine how much happier we could be if we actually had the support of one another in our daily lives?
This was a pretty negative post to write. I do believe in the importance of having a positive outlook on things, but sometimes reality has to be faced, and talked about. Readers may disagree with the things I have said, but I feel these things because of the experiences I have had with people myself. Also, bartending has changed my view on a lot of things because I am forced to stand there quietly behind the bar and actually observe the things that people do and say to each other. I am well aware there are good women out there, selfless, positive beings that wish nothing but the best for the fellow women in their lives. But unfortunately, I’ve noticed as of late that these types seem to be far and few between.
You may not agree with me, but everyone has their truth, and this is mine.